An old blog post that I decided to resurrect from the past. My daughter is now 15 and doing very well. =) Enjoy a blast from the past.
Our journey is not normal by all means. I have done lots of research on how to help a child heal after being sexual abuse for many years by a family member. Often the research led me to adults who are healing after years of hiding their secret or to what a parent should do to protect their child, what signs to look for and where to get help.
Nowhere in my research does it ever talk about teaching survivors or their parents / caregivers about sexual education, personal boundaries, consent, embracing the survivor well being and their bodies needs. Once a child experiences sex, their body reacts naturally to the arousal. They consciously do not enjoy sex as an adult would, but their bodies would react the same as an adult. That is why it is important to teach children about their bodies. They need to know that these feelings are normal, they are not weird or alone in this.
When Kinkly.com wrote an article “Would you buy a vibratorfor your Teenage Daughter” I posted it on my Facebook wall and received mixed review about it. Some were supportive and offer to help me with anything we needed; while others were appalled at the notion that I was supporting her sexual desires.
Here is the situation; she already has those desires, because of the sexual abuse. There is no reason to shame her about what happen and make her feel that it was her fault. Which, unfortunately that is the majority of the family members reaction when they do discover about the child sexual abuse. It is a very sad situation to see firsthand at the Child Advocacy Center we attended for 2 years.
I needed to embrace the fact that she enjoys sex. Even though she does not understand the emotional fulfillment of sex, she does enjoy the physical fulfillment of it. I do not have the heart to tell her what she is feeling and doing is wrong. It would destroy her from having any future healthy sexual relationship. Which many parents/caregivers do not think about. Their only concerns is what to do NOW, what revenge can be done on the person who did the crime, blame the child, never to talk about it again and not get any therapy, just to name a few reactions.
Yes, I do talk openly about sex. Yes, I do encourage her to masturbate. Yes, I do talk about sex toys, lubes, and condoms. Yes, we have already talked about porn and how it makes her feel. Guess what, it has made her into a healthy normal tween girl. She does not feel ashamed to talk about sex, she is not depressed because she cannot talk about sex, and is a proud bisexual girl. We are proud of her.
Even though she is 12, I want her to be safe, aware of the dangers of sex and know the healthy benefits of sex. Children are learning about sex younger and younger nowadays via the internet and their smart phones. As much as I do monitor her internet usage, it does not mean she will be watching porn at a friend’s house. (Yes, that has already happen.) I want her to know that there are better alternatives than the RedTube of the world. (Yes, it is a tricky situation since porn is banned for children under 18.)
I do my very best possible to nurture her as best as possible with information I have learned from people I follow on the internet. Such as TheMamaSutra, Sex Positive Parent, Alyssa Royse blog and Talk Radio Show Sexxx Talk Radio to name a few. I do hope you find their resources information helpful as I have.
Thank you for stopping by!
Later Days,
Angelique~
English